Hopeful Educating · Hopeful Living

But I know me…I can’t homeschool {part 1}

This post is part of my #write31days series about being an unlikely homeschooler. Be sure to follow along with the entire series by checking out the main page here.

 

“I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.”
-Augusten Burroughs

This quote is me, to a T.

I was in college, staying up way too late, yet again, finishing an assignment due the next day. I pulled way too many “all-nighters” during my college days, but this one in particular stands out. It was for my public speaking class. Ever since my high school graduation, where I had the honor of giving a speech in front of hundreds of people, I have LOVED public speaking! (I know I’m in somewhat of a minority with my affections for public speaking, but that’s ok.) I was taking my first actual public speaking class and I wanted to do a great job. I was excited about each of the speeches that we had to give, and I even jumped up and volunteered to be the first one to go on impromptu speech day in class. I seriously love it!

But the upcoming persuasive speech had me a little shaky. I felt the weight of the assignment hanging over me, but in the days leading up to it, I could not grasp the perfect topic to share about.

I was the girl who loved public speaking! I wanted to have a perfect persuasive topic! I wanted it to be different. I wanted it to stand out. I wanted it to be just right. So logically, instead of being diligent to work on this assignment over a reasonable span of time, I put it off and put it off and put it off until there I was, the night before I was to give my speech. I stayed up all night figuring out what I was going to say and how I was going to get this speech together! My last minute persuasive speech finally came together and I shared with my class…

“3 reasons why you should not procrastinate.” 

Yep, I’m a procrastinator, through and through. There are plenty of other examples of this terrible flaw of mine from my earlier years, but just believe me when I say it’s rather ingrained in me. Even things that I love I put off until the last minute. I don’t usually intend to put things off, but it still happens a lot. This flaw has caused lots of stress in my life, some conflict, and lots of negativity towards myself. I have seen God’s grace help me significantly over the years, but it’s still so easy for me to put things off and wait until tomorrow to do what needs to be done today.

But I believe that my procrastination is actually the fruit of other deeper issues in my life…

Laziness and perfectionism.

I’m a lazy perfectionist.

Ooh, just typing out the words makes me cringe a bit.

I’m a dreamer, but not always a doer. I’m a grand planner, but it most often stops at the planning. I get so excited to figure out the perfect way to do things, but if the conditions to do the things aren’t exactly and perfectly like I want them to be, I tend to throw my hands up and say, “oh well!” I’m quick to give things up when my lazy, perfectionist inner voice gets to talking, saying…

“It’ll probably be too hard.” “I probably won’t be able to do a good job.” “I’ll probably end up failing at it.” “Why should I even try?” “I’ll just wait and think about it tomorrow.”

These thought patterns creep into my mind often, and for as long as I can remember I have been someone who wanted to find the easy way to do things. I want the end results that I desire, but I don’t want to put in too much effort. Lazy!

I’ve been well acquainted with these flaws for quite a long time, and these flaws were my number one reason for hesitating to jump into homeschooling. My thoughts said:

“Homeschooling will probably be too hard.” “I probably won’t be able to do a good job.” “I’ll probably end up failing at it.” “Why should I even try?” “I’ll just wait and think about it tomorrow.”

You see, I know me. I’ve known me for just shy of 34 years. I am a big ol’mess. So stepping into something as important as EDUCATING MY CHILDREN, in light of the mess I am and the flaws that make up who I am, was something I did not want to do lightly. No matter how good my intentions are or how much I hoped I could homeschool my kids, I had to base my decision to move forward on a much more solid foundation than my good intentions.

So, this lazy, procrastinating, perfectionist woman that I am decided to take a step of faith and trust that if the Lord was calling me to homeschool then He would equip me to do the task at hand. I felt COMPLETELY incapable, I KNEW I was completely incapable, but I also believed, with all my heart that with God, nothing is impossible.

Join me for {part 2} tomorrow.

is-anythingtoo-hard-for-the-lord

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